|  Author | Topic: Sex Jokes (Read 113 times) |
Muted God
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Joined: Sept 2005
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|  | Sex Jokes
« Thread Started on Sept 30, 2005, 2:55pm » | ![[Quote]](http://s4.images.proboards.com/buttons/quote.gif) |
ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION
Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms.
The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of "Here I come again ...ONE, TWO, THREE...UUH!" all night long.
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?" The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get a hard on."
The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?"
"I couldn't even get on the fucking bed
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Muted God
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| | Re: Sex Jokes
« Reply #1 on Sept 30, 2005, 2:56pm » | |
CURE FOR HEADACHES
A man was suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief. After trying all the usual cures he was referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor.
The specialist asked him what his symptoms were and he replied, "I get these blinding headaches kind of like a knife across my scalp and...." He was interrupted. "And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear?" "Yes! Exactly! How did you know?"
"Well I am the world's greatest headache specialist, but I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes."
Two weeks went by and the man came back. "Well, how do you feel?" the doctor asked.
"Doc, I'm a new man! I feel great! I haven't had a headache since I started this treatment! I can't thank you enough. And, by the way....nice house!"
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Muted God
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| | Re: Sex Jokes
« Reply #2 on Sept 30, 2005, 2:59pm » | |
THAT'S LOVE!
An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25 years of his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed.
He got on the bed right over the woman, and it appeared he was kissing her neck. Suddenly he got up and left the room. As soon as possible the husband made his way across the room to his bride, his chair in tow, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing on your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate and do anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it!. Be strong and I love you."
After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half naked wife says: "Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen a woman in years, but he wasn't kissing my neck....He was whispering in my ear. He said he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong and I love you, too."
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Muted God
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| | Re: Sex Jokes
« Reply #3 on Sept 30, 2005, 3:00pm » | |
SPERM BANK ROBBERY
A man wearing a balaclava bursts into a sperm bank with a shot gun. "Open the fucking safe!" he yells at the girl behind the counter. "But we're not a real bank" replies the girl. "This is a sperm bank, we don't hold money". "Don't argue just open the safe or I'll blow your fucking head off!" She obliges and opens the safe door.
"Take one of the bottles and drink it!"
"But it's full of sperm" the girl replies nervously.
"Don't argue, just drink it" he says. She prises off the cap and gulps it down.
"Take out another one and drink it too!" he demands. The girl drinks another one. Suddenly the guy pulls off the balaclava and to the girl's amazement it's her husband.......
"Not that fucking difficult is it?" he says
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Muted God
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| | Re: Sex Jokes
« Reply #4 on Sept 30, 2005, 3:05pm » | |
GEORGE BURNS ON OPRAH WINFREY SHOW
George Burns was on the Oprah Winfrey Show, and bragged, that despite his 97 years, he could still have sex three times a night. After the show, Oprah said, "George, if I'm not being too forward, I'd love to have sex with an older man. Let's go back to my place.
So they go back to her place and have great sex. Afterwards, George says, "If you think that was good, let me sleep for a half hour, and we can have even better sex. But while I'm sleeping, hold my testicles in your left hand, and my penis in your right hand."
She says okay. He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex. George says, "Oprah, that was wonderful. But if you let me sleep for an hour, we can have the best sex yet. But again, hold my testicles in your left hand, and my penis in your right hand."
Oprah says,"Great, George, but tell me, does my holding your organs stimulate you while you're sleeping?"
George replies, "No, but the last time I slept with a black woman, she stole my wallet."
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Muted God
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| | Re: Sex Jokes
« Reply #5 on Sept 30, 2005, 3:06pm » | |
WHAT A MAN WANTS
A husband, wife and their seven-year-old son walk into an ice-cream shop. The dad says "I'll have a chocolate cone, and my wife here will have a vanilla."
He then slaps his son on the back of the head and says: "What do you want, fat-head?"
The lady behind the counter, shocked, says, "Why did you call him that?"
"I'll tell you why," says the dad. "There's really only three things a man wants in life.
First, he wants a nice big truck. See that nice big truck parked outside? That's mine.
Second, he wants a nice big house. I have one of the biggest houses in town. Third, and most important, he wants a nice tight pussy and I had that too until fat-head here came along."
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Muted God
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| | Re: Sex Jokes
« Reply #6 on Sept 30, 2005, 3:07pm » | |
IDIOT'S SEX GUIDE
1. Eating Mexican food is not the cause of gonorrhea.
2. There is no need for dice in role playing.
3. Intercourse doesn't happen on a highway.
4. If you engage in oral sex first, it's not called a head start.
5. If she says she's into "bondage," don't show her your financial portfolio.
6. You can lie down during a one-night stand.
7. When a woman talks about waiting for the "right time," she's not referring to a commercial break.
8. Only sleep with someone you love or can say you love without smirking.
9. Making out doesn't mean getting your money's worth.
10. Sex is like "The Club" - Accept no substitutes.
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Muted God
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cyrzaj%100%k:0%b:n%i:n%a:y%s:n %w:n%t:n%%
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| | Re: Sex Jokes
« Reply #7 on Sept 30, 2005, 3:07pm » | |
DEATH DURING SEX
Right in the middle of lovemaking, the husband dies of a heart attack. As the funeral arrangements are being made, the mortician informs the widow that he cannot get rid of her dead husband's rigor mortis hard-on which is sticking straight up in the air and if they don't do something, it will look odd in the coffin at the funeral.
The widow tells the guy to cut it off and stick it up her dear departed's behind. The mortician can't believe his ears but the widow is adamant, so he does it. During the funeral, friends and relatives of the dead man were concerned to see a tear in the corner of his eye, but the widow assured them that there was no cause to be alarmed.
Just before the casket is closed, the widow leans in and whispers in the dead man's ear, "It HURTS, doesn't it?"
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Duke Name
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| | Re: Sex Jokes
« Reply #8 on Sept 30, 2005, 3:07pm » | |
LOL
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Muted God
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cyrzaj%100%k:0%b:n%i:n%a:y%s:n %w:n%t:n%%
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Posts: 74
| | Re: Sex Jokes
« Reply #9 on Sept 30, 2005, 5:40pm » | |
I like the Death During Sex one, actually I didnt even read it before I posted.. I actually didnt read any of them.. but I do have to admit. That one is fucking funny as hell 
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ddddyyyy
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